The Gift of Guilt

Yes, you read that correctly and no, I am not crazy.  Well, perhaps that depends on who you ask.

Allow me to fill you on on why I think guilt is actually good for us.

It all began at 5:15 this morning when I was awakened by a screaming baby.  A baby who despite rocking and cuddling and giving a pacifier would not settle down for anything, much less go back to sleep.  When my attempts to try and soothe said child failed miserably, I matter-of-factly said to her (in a language she has yet to understand),  "Okay, I guess we're up for the day".

This is not how my insanely structured, borderline OCD ritualistic mornings go.  I am supposed to wake my child up at 6:30am after I have gotten myself around, cleaned the litter box or emptied the dishwasher (I alternate which day I do each chore, thankyouverymuch), gotten her breakfast around, started the coffee and placed her food bag in her diaper bag.  I am supposed to be greeted by the best thing in the world at 6:30am - a smiling, happy, miniature version of me standing up in her crib reaching for me saying, "da da".  Everything is "da da" to her so I am not worried...yet.

Needless to say, as I was situating my frustrated, tired baby in my bathroom so I could continue on getting ready for work my emotions started to get the best of me.  Anger started building up.  Frustration reared it's ugly head.  As I was in the shower lathering, rinsing and (not) repeating, Jensen's cries got louder and louder in my head.  Then she began the poor hyperventilating cry and I just about had it.  I didn't enjoy my shower, I don't even remember if I used soap and I certainly hope I brushed my teeth in all my haste.  This was not the way my morning was supposed to go and I couldn't help but blame my child.  Would you believe that at one point I actually said to her, "Jensen, enough already?!"  If she could speak she would have probably said the same thing to me, "Mom, relax already!"

So, the morning was ridiculously stressful and upsetting to me.  I was mad at Jensen and angry that it didn't go as I had planned.  After dropping the girl off at school and heading to work it hit me.  The guilt.  The guilt I felt for blaming my baby for not getting my way.  The guilt I felt for not being sympathetic to her needs (hello, first-time mom, could she have been in pain? hungry? missing me?). The guilt I felt for not taking in everything motherhood has to offer-the good and the not-so-good.  Pure, plain, to the core guilt.

Surprisingly enough, I did not cry once I got to work.  I was thisclose to crying but no dice.  At the end of the day I picked Jensen up and loved on her something fierce.  We had one of the best nights together including a very fun and splashy bathtime.  After I put her to bed I realized that guilt can be good, after all.  What if I hadn't felt bad for directing my anger at my daughter?  What if I still carried that anger with me all day and all night?  What if I let it fester and breed more anger?  Thank God guilt hit me and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with her.  Praise The Lord I was able to show her the affection she really needed.  I'm so lucky I could make amens with myself and redeem myself and end the day without any raw emotions taking my energy.

I realize how much I learned this morning.  How far I can evolve in just one day.  If, through God, I'm capable of understanding how guilt can be good, what more am I capable of?  Just how far can I evolve in faith, how wise can I become in this life?  More importantly, what example can I set for my daughter and will it be good enough for her to be proud of me?