This Much I Know is True

When I told Mom that Ashley and I were going to start a bible study, her reaction was similar to when I told her Jon and I were going to try for a baby.  There was a gasp, silence, a quizzical look and a sputtered "Oh"!  I have a way of shocking my mother like no one else can.  As I was getting ready for work this morning an idea came to me to write a post about how I discovered my faith and how a bible study came to be.

Finding my Faith
It should come as no surprise that I am not a religious person.  A spiritual person, yes.  But, religious, no.  We'll get into more detail about that later.  I haven't been in a church (other than for weddings) for over 5 years now.  I don't regularly pray and I don't own a bible.  Therefore, Mom's response is warranted, agreed?

Interestingly enough, I've been fascinated by religion for nearly 10 years now.  I even took a world religions class in college.  Even after college I continued to learn about the world religions by checking out books from the library as well as discussing them at length with my former boss and mentor, Andrea.  It was Andrea who opened my eyes to the idea of "spirituality" vs. religion.
From my studies of the world religions this much I know is true:  they are more similiar than they are different.  They all believe in higher powers, afterlives, rules/commandments for living, prophets and rituals.  I found that I agreed with some beliefs from many different religions.  Which made finding and following just one religion extremely difficult.  In my frustration to figure out who I was and what I believed, I decided to label myself as "spiritual" rather than religious.  I know what I believe in terms of an afterlife and commandments for living as well as who/what God is.  But I couldn't find an exact religion to support it. 

Long story everlasting, I try to live my faith in my everyday actions (like saying please and thank you and helping old ladies pull carts from the cart corral at Kroger) and thoughts (like focusing on the positive rather than the negative and saying "Wow, God!" instead of "Why, God?!").  In the wise words of one country song, "That's my story and I'm stickin' to it".

Closer to God (no cliche intended)
For 29 1/2 years I skated through life not needing to really rely on my (still undefined) faith.  Sure, I had beliefs and all but I never really needed them.  I was doing just fine solving my own life problems and handling my own self-imposed issues, thankyouverymuch. 

And then the miracle of my daughter's birth happened. 

And the subsequent fog of post-partum depression and anxiety (PPDA) came over me.

And I knew I needed help.  Big time.

In my true, analytical-minded fashion I figured a quick Google search about overcoming PPDA would bring up an informative article from a reputable organization and give me all the answers.  Not to mention a series of easy to follow steps on how to feel better.  In a matter of a couple minutes I'd beat "this thing" and my fog would be lifted, I was sure of it. 

Except that it wasn't that easy.  There were no series of steps on how to overcome my range of uncharacteristicly unpositive emotions.  There were medications.  There were therapy options.  All helpful options, of course.  But not options that hit the mark for me.  What was I supposed to do?

I kept a "frustration" journal that I began at what I now consider the height of my PPDA - New Year's Eve 2012.  I wrote down all my negative and sad thoughts.  It was a great outlet for me.  It was a harmless, uncensored way for me to let it all out.  I hate to admit that I wrote in it often.

Reaching out to others and talking about my emotions/feelings was supremely helpful to me.  In fact, several of you received a call from me on New Year's Eve.  Think back, you may remember.  Hell must have frozen over because it's extremely unlike me to reach out for help.  Especially for something like emotional stability...ha!

Sorry to lead you up to this point and not have a monumental dramatic climax to my story.  But, going through my ordeal made me realize that I can't do it all myself.  I can't be the perfect mother, wife, daughter, employee, friend, granddaughter, sister, sister-in-law, etc.  I tried.  I wanted to be.  I wanted to have it all together and not need any help or admit that I can't do it.  The truth is, I need faith and I need it now more than ever.  Believing in something bigger than myself was my first step in overcoming PPDA.  Giving it up and giving it to God was my saving grace.  There was no "a-ha" moment when I realized I needed to start believing.  There was no incident or "come to Jesus" event.  It was a casual evolution.

In a way, my daughter brought me closer to God.  Thank God for her.

The Invitation
A funny thing happened after I became a mom.  I began reaching out to other moms.  I began feeling relief in the company of other moms.  Other mom's just "get" it.  I'm a mom, I'm one of them and they understand me (and all my motherly flaws!).  As I began reaching out to other moms I started to notice an interesting common thread.  Most of the mothers I talked to/sought council from kept mentioning faith.

"Lord knows what's in store for my family, but we're taking it one day at a time," one Mother said.

"Everything happens for a reason.  Only God knows what it is,"  said another.

"I pray everyday for my children and my husband.  I can't control their lives and praying helps me feel better about it."

"I don't know how I get through each day," said a mother of FIVE!  "I just have faith and do the best I can".

Needless to say this realization piqued my curiosity.  The more I started practicing my faith the more relaxed and less anxious I became.  The more I talked about giving it up and giving it to God the more useful I felt.  Over the last couple months I looked into bible studies at local churches.  Nothing seemed to fit into my schedule.  I'm not even sure why I sought out bible studies exactly; I'd never done one before.  I didn't know what to expect, but it was the road down which I was compelled.

Ashley became my guinea pig.  I bravely emailed her asking if she'd like to embark on a self-led bible study I had been considering.  I'm sure her reaction was similar to Mom's, but her email reply showed no hint of surprise.  Thanks Ashie!

So with that extremely long-winded story, I humbly and whole-heartedly look forward to this new world of faith: living it and loving it.