Monday, December 16, 2013
Staying strong in faith
Every week I think to myself, I'm going to post something on our blog and then every week goes by that I don't. I often feel....what would I say, what would I contribute and then I have extremely thoughtful and meaningful Ideas as I fall to sleep in bed without my iPad! And cliff is not too fond of the wonderful iPad screen as he's trying to fall asleep and not so easy to sneak back there late at night as a pin falling on carpet would wake that man! Geesh. But ladies, oh how I'm practicing our lessons from unglued everyday and oh how I try to improve myself everyday, don't we all. Unglued, is always in the back of my mind during good days and bad. I'm trying to learn how to recognize my warnings on what is going to push me to that unglued place and often I just wish I could escape those things, those triggers. But I cannot always escape them and so I must face them and evaluate who I become when I come unglued. How often are we pushed to our limits, who do we hurt, what is the result, how can we improve. Life would be easy if we could have it just the way we wanted it, or so we think. If I could just have daily devotional time, a long lunch break, a nice quiet connected moment with the ones we love, a clean house, a clean / decorated house, time, time, time......... But in reality, we don't have much of that so how can we get through the day, be grateful for what we have and not come unglued about the things that can create barriers, tear down relationships......FAITH. A thankful heart is like a magnet. It attracts gratitude, happiness, and cheerfulness. Take time to think God for all He has done. And ask for improvement in yourself during your toughest moments. I will continue to ask God to improve my weaknesses and forgive me for those things that I struggle with. And I will continue to carve out as much time each week to dive into unglued. I wish I had more time to devote to this but I'm also grateful that God is in my life, working!
Monday, November 18, 2013
The "I" in Believe
The thing about faith is it's completely and utterly individual. It is something that is our own to cultivate and call on when we feel necessary. No one can tell you to have faith. No one can make you have faith. It's something you decide for yourself and keep reinforcing on a daily basis. Faith is like that emergency candy you have in your purse "just in case". You know what I'm talking about. It's there when we need it most yet also there when we want it. It can be used as a life raft in tough situations but it can also be called upon when times are good and we just want a treat; something good to feed the soul. Faith is like our children's birth stories; our own unique story that only us mothers can tell.
What I love about faith is that I can't be wrong. My opinions and beliefs about God, his prophets, the afterlife, holy texts, and heaven cannot be proven. They cannot be argued against-mainly because I don't feel a need to argue for them. We have no scientific idea as to what happens to our souls after death. We can only believe they go to heaven or hell or are reborn in some other way. How do we know for sure? We don't. The beauty of faith is the mystery it solves in our own hearts and minds.
What I love about faith is that I can't be wrong. My opinions and beliefs about God, his prophets, the afterlife, holy texts, and heaven cannot be proven. They cannot be argued against-mainly because I don't feel a need to argue for them. We have no scientific idea as to what happens to our souls after death. We can only believe they go to heaven or hell or are reborn in some other way. How do we know for sure? We don't. The beauty of faith is the mystery it solves in our own hearts and minds.
Smith Wigglesworth - “I am not moved by what I see. I am not moved by what I feel. I am moved only by what I believe.”
Friday, November 1, 2013
What do you want?!
Jensen and I were tooling around Wal-Mart this morning during our weekly grocery shopping trip when I noticed a young boy (maybe 2-3 years old) getting whiny near the check-out lanes. My heart went out to the exasperated, young mother trying to calmly pacify him. Eventually, the whining escalated and the mother came unglued.
"Just tell me what you want! I don't know what you want!" she announced to her son as she threw her hands dramatically in the air.
I looked down at Jensen who looked up at me, quizzically. I promise not to talk to you like that I said to her in my head and smiled. She unknowingly smiled back and continued to play with the bag of cat food I put in the cart. We continued our way through the store and finished up our trip.
Fast forward not 10 minutes later. I'm in the car driving back home and Jensen is whining into oblivion. I know she's not hungry. I know she's not in pain (at least I'm pretty sure). I know she's not bored (have you seen the eclectic array of toys attached conveniently to her carseat?!). Although I don't say it out loud, the phrase WHAT DO YOU WANT is being screamed in my head at a volume that surely could be heard outside myself. And at that point I know I've come unglued.
After a few deep breaths, I ask myself WHY? Why does her crying and whining make me so stressed out. Is it a maternal thing? Is it a natural instinct? If it didn't bother me would that be a bad sign? I think my stress comes from not KNOWING what she wants. Not KNOWING what I can do to help her. She's trying to communicate the only way she knows how and I am at a loss for how to decode it.
"Sometimes babies just cry for no reason," a mom recently told me. How is that supposed to help me? I mean, I don't cry for no-wait, yes, sometimes I do. Okay, point taken.
Since she's not going to be able to talk, let alone communicate her emotions to me for at least a couple years, I better start A) learning to handle this frustration better, and/or B) learning to decode her communication better. I don't know which option seems easier. Because, of course, I want the easiest path.
So, I get the girl home and tuck her in her crib and after about 15 minutes of dilly dallying she conks out for a nice morning nap. Okay, I say to myself, made it through another morning. Now on to the afternoon. I take her morning nap time to get some chores done and read a little bit of a book. I can feel the stress de-escalate and calm return. Whew, a momentary unglued crisis averted.
I learned today that I should never, ever judge any parenting style. I should also never judge any child. Who the heck knows what my kid is going to do to embarrass the bejesus out of me one day. I also learned that the phrase, "How can I help you?" is certainly much more agreeable than "What the h$#* do you want?!".
Lord have mercy.
"Just tell me what you want! I don't know what you want!" she announced to her son as she threw her hands dramatically in the air.
I looked down at Jensen who looked up at me, quizzically. I promise not to talk to you like that I said to her in my head and smiled. She unknowingly smiled back and continued to play with the bag of cat food I put in the cart. We continued our way through the store and finished up our trip.
Fast forward not 10 minutes later. I'm in the car driving back home and Jensen is whining into oblivion. I know she's not hungry. I know she's not in pain (at least I'm pretty sure). I know she's not bored (have you seen the eclectic array of toys attached conveniently to her carseat?!). Although I don't say it out loud, the phrase WHAT DO YOU WANT is being screamed in my head at a volume that surely could be heard outside myself. And at that point I know I've come unglued.
After a few deep breaths, I ask myself WHY? Why does her crying and whining make me so stressed out. Is it a maternal thing? Is it a natural instinct? If it didn't bother me would that be a bad sign? I think my stress comes from not KNOWING what she wants. Not KNOWING what I can do to help her. She's trying to communicate the only way she knows how and I am at a loss for how to decode it.
"Sometimes babies just cry for no reason," a mom recently told me. How is that supposed to help me? I mean, I don't cry for no-wait, yes, sometimes I do. Okay, point taken.
Since she's not going to be able to talk, let alone communicate her emotions to me for at least a couple years, I better start A) learning to handle this frustration better, and/or B) learning to decode her communication better. I don't know which option seems easier. Because, of course, I want the easiest path.
So, I get the girl home and tuck her in her crib and after about 15 minutes of dilly dallying she conks out for a nice morning nap. Okay, I say to myself, made it through another morning. Now on to the afternoon. I take her morning nap time to get some chores done and read a little bit of a book. I can feel the stress de-escalate and calm return. Whew, a momentary unglued crisis averted.
I learned today that I should never, ever judge any parenting style. I should also never judge any child. Who the heck knows what my kid is going to do to embarrass the bejesus out of me one day. I also learned that the phrase, "How can I help you?" is certainly much more agreeable than "What the h$#* do you want?!".
Lord have mercy.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
From the Mountain to the Valley
Ladies let me give you a tip: the spiritual life is one glorious ride! God has been revealing himself practically everywhere I turn! I cannot give words to convey how my soul is feeling. I have seen God take a child home; yet there is joy in the family left behind. I have seen God work a miracle in a young woman's life following a traumatic brain injury. I have seen God restore in full my marriage. In addition to these instances God has been revealing himself personally to me not only during my time in his word but also in the mundane duties of the day. There are many more examples I could list but will save for another time.
Now for the next tip: when you're on the mountain top - get ready to find yourself in the valley! Let me explain. In the past week here are three things that have happened:
1) We found out that all of the money Kevin had been having deducted from his pay toward his retirement had never been deposited to his account! After making several phone calls, emails and faxes; it was discovered that his money had in fact never been put into his account (or anyone else's for that matter)! An error had been made by his company and within hours the error was corrected and the money put in. The only way we knew about it was from receiving his quarterly statement and seeing that nothing was in it! Talk about coming UNGLUED! Wow! I managed but honestly, I just barely managed. The lessons I learned were that grace needs to be extended from me to others, just as God has extended grace to me. Forgiveness for the one who made the mistake and trust that it won't happen again. My descent from the spiritual mountain began....
2) Jensen had a relapse which brought me to my "sacred place" in my home praying to God to give the doctors wisdom and for calmness of spirit to her mommy and daddy. Lesson learned is that even in the times in life that are scary, I KNOW that God is there in the midst of the trouble and I can TRUST him in all things. Further down the mountain side I go.....
3) Monday I learned that our lawsuit is indeed going to trial! This was NOT what I had been praying for at all! In fact, just the opposite! I now find myself in the valley. No, I am not alone. No I am not depressed. Yes, I am a bit anxious. I am learning to pray for the people who have brought the lawsuit against us and I am asking that God work out his purpose in all this according to his promise that all things work for the good to those who love him. He has not yet revealed what that may be unless it is a major dose of patience and trust.
The largest lesson I have learned recently is that God is not a Genie in a Bottle to be rubbed and granting us our wishes. He is sovereign. He is holy. We are to worship him and give him praise IN EVERY circumstance we find ourselves. We are not breathing because we make ourselves breath - we breath because he allows it. He doesn't work for us - we are to serve him.
The practical life lesson here is when you find yourself discouraged by your circumstances you can lift yourself up by taking the focus off of yourself (or the situation) and focusing on God and praying for and encouraging others. Believe me, I did that this past week.....and ladies, it works.
Thus, this lesson we are studying is finding its mark right in the middle of my heart. Very practical lessons for a very practical life.
I find myself looking for God in every little thing these days. I find myself ready to listen, watch and see if there is something he wants me to do. I am growing. I am experiencing the joy found on the mountain top even in the valley I now find myself. I choose to give God the glory, honor and praise he so definitely and rightly deserves!
Have a good week everyone.
Now for the next tip: when you're on the mountain top - get ready to find yourself in the valley! Let me explain. In the past week here are three things that have happened:
1) We found out that all of the money Kevin had been having deducted from his pay toward his retirement had never been deposited to his account! After making several phone calls, emails and faxes; it was discovered that his money had in fact never been put into his account (or anyone else's for that matter)! An error had been made by his company and within hours the error was corrected and the money put in. The only way we knew about it was from receiving his quarterly statement and seeing that nothing was in it! Talk about coming UNGLUED! Wow! I managed but honestly, I just barely managed. The lessons I learned were that grace needs to be extended from me to others, just as God has extended grace to me. Forgiveness for the one who made the mistake and trust that it won't happen again. My descent from the spiritual mountain began....
2) Jensen had a relapse which brought me to my "sacred place" in my home praying to God to give the doctors wisdom and for calmness of spirit to her mommy and daddy. Lesson learned is that even in the times in life that are scary, I KNOW that God is there in the midst of the trouble and I can TRUST him in all things. Further down the mountain side I go.....
3) Monday I learned that our lawsuit is indeed going to trial! This was NOT what I had been praying for at all! In fact, just the opposite! I now find myself in the valley. No, I am not alone. No I am not depressed. Yes, I am a bit anxious. I am learning to pray for the people who have brought the lawsuit against us and I am asking that God work out his purpose in all this according to his promise that all things work for the good to those who love him. He has not yet revealed what that may be unless it is a major dose of patience and trust.
The largest lesson I have learned recently is that God is not a Genie in a Bottle to be rubbed and granting us our wishes. He is sovereign. He is holy. We are to worship him and give him praise IN EVERY circumstance we find ourselves. We are not breathing because we make ourselves breath - we breath because he allows it. He doesn't work for us - we are to serve him.
The practical life lesson here is when you find yourself discouraged by your circumstances you can lift yourself up by taking the focus off of yourself (or the situation) and focusing on God and praying for and encouraging others. Believe me, I did that this past week.....and ladies, it works.
Thus, this lesson we are studying is finding its mark right in the middle of my heart. Very practical lessons for a very practical life.
I find myself looking for God in every little thing these days. I find myself ready to listen, watch and see if there is something he wants me to do. I am growing. I am experiencing the joy found on the mountain top even in the valley I now find myself. I choose to give God the glory, honor and praise he so definitely and rightly deserves!
Have a good week everyone.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Rant and Rave
Ok y'all. I promise I am not emotionally charged writing this blog post. I am neither tired nor upset. I am not angry or apathetic. I simply want to rant about a few things on my mind right now. Humor me.
- There is a gnat flying around my iPad and it has a knack for flying directly in my face.
- Normally, I practice catch-and-release when dealing with spiders in my house but lately I've just been killing the hideous things.
- The cats can be loving and quiet the entire evening but the minute I put Jensen to bed they "come alive" complete with fighting, hissing and banging the venetian blinds in the kitchen.
- I didn't drink my fountain diet Pepsi fast enough and now I'm left with watered down pop.
- My hair has been extremely staticky lately. Extremely.
- Recently, Jensen's teachers at school told me that "she's certainly going to be an independent girl". I smiled but deep down I'm slightly scared of that.
- I keep forgetting to change the razor blade on my razor in the shower.
- Even though they recently revamped their breakfast food selections, I'm still not happy with the offerings at Starbucks.
- Kim Kardashian is engaged to be married for a THIRD time. The woman is only 33 years old. Am I the only one concerned by this??
- I'm scared that I'm becoming a mother who coordinates the family's clothes for family pictures.
There, I got it out. Whew! Sometimes if helps just to write it down and forget about it. I've always noticed this about writing. For me, it's always been my tried and true emotional outlet. That and crying but that's a whole other show. Ha! Now for my raves.
- I am currently listening to Christmas music and have been for over a week now.
- The crisp, cool days are exactly what I ordered.
- I am currently intrigued by the idea of reading the bible in a year.
- Jensen started giving me open mouth kisses with reckless abandon tonight. Best. kisses. ever!
- I've started getting up at 5am instead of 5:20am and am amazed how much more I can get done in those 20 minutes.
- Cardigans are still popular this year. Wahoo! My shopping spree last year will pay off again this year!
- Is it me, or is the Pumpkin Spice Latte from McDonald's just as good at the more expensive Starbucks version?!
- To say I am enjoying the emotional stability that faith brings is an understatement.
Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
The Gift of Grace
Emotions were raw at my household this morning! Both Kevin and I were due at my work for wellness screenings. This was a good thing. However having to get myself up and around (without being able to have my morning coffee) was difficult. I NEED my coffee! Then having to wake him and have him get around without his coffee too was about more than I could bear! I could feel my blood pressure rising as we were getting ready to leave. How could this be? I couldn't have my BP rising NOW! As I was driving ahead of him in my car I thought he would call my cell so we could talk on the way. After all, we aren't up at the same time in the mornings so this was special. I waited and waited he didn't call! Why not?! So at the 4 way stop at Garrett I looked at my phone. IT WAS TURNED OFF! Crap! I turned it on and sure enough he had tried calling twice and texted me once! Oh did I feel bad! I called him right away and we had a very nice conversation the rest of the way to work.
I kept asking myself how could it be that I just worked in the Unglued workbook the night before and struggled the very next morning with keeping from coming unglued!
By the time we arrived I was able to decide to be on God's side and ask Kevin for forgiveness for my words spoken earlier. Yes, guilt is a gift. I agree, Kasie! From the guilt came corrective action - namely asking for forgiveness from him and also forgiving myself. My BP registered a healthy 110/68 and the rest of the day held tender texts between he and I. By God's grace through guilt came restoration.
I'm finding when I'm in the tense moments is when I need to take the focus off myself and put the focus on God. I have to remember he extended grace to me when I didn't deserve it. I have to remember to extend grace to others and myself. The more I focus on God the more stable I become. I calm down. My perspective becomes clear. When I give God the raw emotion not only does he hold me still physically, he also holds my lips still. I am realizing that change in my life is happening as a result of being grateful to God for extending his grace to me. He is my focus and my challenge is to keep him my focus.
My daughter has surprised me so very much in the last year and a half! God has richly blessed me through her. I have prayed for her earnestly this past year. She is growing in the faith. She is growing as a mother. I am so proud of her! I thank God for her and am so pleased we are on this journey together.
I hear this on the radio the other day:
Prayer is us talking to God. Reading the Bible is God talking to us.
May we all have good conversation with Him as we study His word!
I kept asking myself how could it be that I just worked in the Unglued workbook the night before and struggled the very next morning with keeping from coming unglued!
By the time we arrived I was able to decide to be on God's side and ask Kevin for forgiveness for my words spoken earlier. Yes, guilt is a gift. I agree, Kasie! From the guilt came corrective action - namely asking for forgiveness from him and also forgiving myself. My BP registered a healthy 110/68 and the rest of the day held tender texts between he and I. By God's grace through guilt came restoration.
I'm finding when I'm in the tense moments is when I need to take the focus off myself and put the focus on God. I have to remember he extended grace to me when I didn't deserve it. I have to remember to extend grace to others and myself. The more I focus on God the more stable I become. I calm down. My perspective becomes clear. When I give God the raw emotion not only does he hold me still physically, he also holds my lips still. I am realizing that change in my life is happening as a result of being grateful to God for extending his grace to me. He is my focus and my challenge is to keep him my focus.
My daughter has surprised me so very much in the last year and a half! God has richly blessed me through her. I have prayed for her earnestly this past year. She is growing in the faith. She is growing as a mother. I am so proud of her! I thank God for her and am so pleased we are on this journey together.
I hear this on the radio the other day:
Prayer is us talking to God. Reading the Bible is God talking to us.
May we all have good conversation with Him as we study His word!
Monday, October 7, 2013
The Gift of Guilt
Yes, you read that correctly and no, I am not crazy. Well, perhaps that depends on who you ask.
Allow me to fill you on on why I think guilt is actually good for us.
It all began at 5:15 this morning when I was awakened by a screaming baby. A baby who despite rocking and cuddling and giving a pacifier would not settle down for anything, much less go back to sleep. When my attempts to try and soothe said child failed miserably, I matter-of-factly said to her (in a language she has yet to understand), "Okay, I guess we're up for the day".
This is not how my insanely structured, borderline OCD ritualistic mornings go. I am supposed to wake my child up at 6:30am after I have gotten myself around, cleaned the litter box or emptied the dishwasher (I alternate which day I do each chore, thankyouverymuch), gotten her breakfast around, started the coffee and placed her food bag in her diaper bag. I am supposed to be greeted by the best thing in the world at 6:30am - a smiling, happy, miniature version of me standing up in her crib reaching for me saying, "da da". Everything is "da da" to her so I am not worried...yet.
Needless to say, as I was situating my frustrated, tired baby in my bathroom so I could continue on getting ready for work my emotions started to get the best of me. Anger started building up. Frustration reared it's ugly head. As I was in the shower lathering, rinsing and (not) repeating, Jensen's cries got louder and louder in my head. Then she began the poor hyperventilating cry and I just about had it. I didn't enjoy my shower, I don't even remember if I used soap and I certainly hope I brushed my teeth in all my haste. This was not the way my morning was supposed to go and I couldn't help but blame my child. Would you believe that at one point I actually said to her, "Jensen, enough already?!" If she could speak she would have probably said the same thing to me, "Mom, relax already!"
So, the morning was ridiculously stressful and upsetting to me. I was mad at Jensen and angry that it didn't go as I had planned. After dropping the girl off at school and heading to work it hit me. The guilt. The guilt I felt for blaming my baby for not getting my way. The guilt I felt for not being sympathetic to her needs (hello, first-time mom, could she have been in pain? hungry? missing me?). The guilt I felt for not taking in everything motherhood has to offer-the good and the not-so-good. Pure, plain, to the core guilt.
Surprisingly enough, I did not cry once I got to work. I was thisclose to crying but no dice. At the end of the day I picked Jensen up and loved on her something fierce. We had one of the best nights together including a very fun and splashy bathtime. After I put her to bed I realized that guilt can be good, after all. What if I hadn't felt bad for directing my anger at my daughter? What if I still carried that anger with me all day and all night? What if I let it fester and breed more anger? Thank God guilt hit me and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with her. Praise The Lord I was able to show her the affection she really needed. I'm so lucky I could make amens with myself and redeem myself and end the day without any raw emotions taking my energy.
I realize how much I learned this morning. How far I can evolve in just one day. If, through God, I'm capable of understanding how guilt can be good, what more am I capable of? Just how far can I evolve in faith, how wise can I become in this life? More importantly, what example can I set for my daughter and will it be good enough for her to be proud of me?
Allow me to fill you on on why I think guilt is actually good for us.
It all began at 5:15 this morning when I was awakened by a screaming baby. A baby who despite rocking and cuddling and giving a pacifier would not settle down for anything, much less go back to sleep. When my attempts to try and soothe said child failed miserably, I matter-of-factly said to her (in a language she has yet to understand), "Okay, I guess we're up for the day".
This is not how my insanely structured, borderline OCD ritualistic mornings go. I am supposed to wake my child up at 6:30am after I have gotten myself around, cleaned the litter box or emptied the dishwasher (I alternate which day I do each chore, thankyouverymuch), gotten her breakfast around, started the coffee and placed her food bag in her diaper bag. I am supposed to be greeted by the best thing in the world at 6:30am - a smiling, happy, miniature version of me standing up in her crib reaching for me saying, "da da". Everything is "da da" to her so I am not worried...yet.
Needless to say, as I was situating my frustrated, tired baby in my bathroom so I could continue on getting ready for work my emotions started to get the best of me. Anger started building up. Frustration reared it's ugly head. As I was in the shower lathering, rinsing and (not) repeating, Jensen's cries got louder and louder in my head. Then she began the poor hyperventilating cry and I just about had it. I didn't enjoy my shower, I don't even remember if I used soap and I certainly hope I brushed my teeth in all my haste. This was not the way my morning was supposed to go and I couldn't help but blame my child. Would you believe that at one point I actually said to her, "Jensen, enough already?!" If she could speak she would have probably said the same thing to me, "Mom, relax already!"
So, the morning was ridiculously stressful and upsetting to me. I was mad at Jensen and angry that it didn't go as I had planned. After dropping the girl off at school and heading to work it hit me. The guilt. The guilt I felt for blaming my baby for not getting my way. The guilt I felt for not being sympathetic to her needs (hello, first-time mom, could she have been in pain? hungry? missing me?). The guilt I felt for not taking in everything motherhood has to offer-the good and the not-so-good. Pure, plain, to the core guilt.
Surprisingly enough, I did not cry once I got to work. I was thisclose to crying but no dice. At the end of the day I picked Jensen up and loved on her something fierce. We had one of the best nights together including a very fun and splashy bathtime. After I put her to bed I realized that guilt can be good, after all. What if I hadn't felt bad for directing my anger at my daughter? What if I still carried that anger with me all day and all night? What if I let it fester and breed more anger? Thank God guilt hit me and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with her. Praise The Lord I was able to show her the affection she really needed. I'm so lucky I could make amens with myself and redeem myself and end the day without any raw emotions taking my energy.
I realize how much I learned this morning. How far I can evolve in just one day. If, through God, I'm capable of understanding how guilt can be good, what more am I capable of? Just how far can I evolve in faith, how wise can I become in this life? More importantly, what example can I set for my daughter and will it be good enough for her to be proud of me?
Monday, September 23, 2013
This Much I Know is True
When I told Mom that Ashley and I were going to start a bible study, her reaction was similar to when I told her Jon and I were going to try for a baby. There was a gasp, silence, a quizzical look and a sputtered "Oh"! I have a way of shocking my mother like no one else can. As I was getting ready for work this morning an idea came to me to write a post about how I discovered my faith and how a bible study came to be.
Finding my Faith
It should come as no surprise that I am not a religious person. A spiritual person, yes. But, religious, no. We'll get into more detail about that later. I haven't been in a church (other than for weddings) for over 5 years now. I don't regularly pray and I don't own a bible. Therefore, Mom's response is warranted, agreed?
Interestingly enough, I've been fascinated by religion for nearly 10 years now. I even took a world religions class in college. Even after college I continued to learn about the world religions by checking out books from the library as well as discussing them at length with my former boss and mentor, Andrea. It was Andrea who opened my eyes to the idea of "spirituality" vs. religion.
From my studies of the world religions this much I know is true: they are more similiar than they are different. They all believe in higher powers, afterlives, rules/commandments for living, prophets and rituals. I found that I agreed with some beliefs from many different religions. Which made finding and following just one religion extremely difficult. In my frustration to figure out who I was and what I believed, I decided to label myself as "spiritual" rather than religious. I know what I believe in terms of an afterlife and commandments for living as well as who/what God is. But I couldn't find an exact religion to support it.
Long story everlasting, I try to live my faith in my everyday actions (like saying please and thank you and helping old ladies pull carts from the cart corral at Kroger) and thoughts (like focusing on the positive rather than the negative and saying "Wow, God!" instead of "Why, God?!"). In the wise words of one country song, "That's my story and I'm stickin' to it".
Closer to God (no cliche intended)
For 29 1/2 years I skated through life not needing to really rely on my (still undefined) faith. Sure, I had beliefs and all but I never really needed them. I was doing just fine solving my own life problems and handling my own self-imposed issues, thankyouverymuch.
And then the miracle of my daughter's birth happened.
And the subsequent fog of post-partum depression and anxiety (PPDA) came over me.
And I knew I needed help. Big time.
In my true, analytical-minded fashion I figured a quick Google search about overcoming PPDA would bring up an informative article from a reputable organization and give me all the answers. Not to mention a series of easy to follow steps on how to feel better. In a matter of a couple minutes I'd beat "this thing" and my fog would be lifted, I was sure of it.
Except that it wasn't that easy. There were no series of steps on how to overcome my range of uncharacteristicly unpositive emotions. There were medications. There were therapy options. All helpful options, of course. But not options that hit the mark for me. What was I supposed to do?
I kept a "frustration" journal that I began at what I now consider the height of my PPDA - New Year's Eve 2012. I wrote down all my negative and sad thoughts. It was a great outlet for me. It was a harmless, uncensored way for me to let it all out. I hate to admit that I wrote in it often.
Reaching out to others and talking about my emotions/feelings was supremely helpful to me. In fact, several of you received a call from me on New Year's Eve. Think back, you may remember. Hell must have frozen over because it's extremely unlike me to reach out for help. Especially for something like emotional stability...ha!
Sorry to lead you up to this point and not have a monumental dramatic climax to my story. But, going through my ordeal made me realize that I can't do it all myself. I can't be the perfect mother, wife, daughter, employee, friend, granddaughter, sister, sister-in-law, etc. I tried. I wanted to be. I wanted to have it all together and not need any help or admit that I can't do it. The truth is, I need faith and I need it now more than ever. Believing in something bigger than myself was my first step in overcoming PPDA. Giving it up and giving it to God was my saving grace. There was no "a-ha" moment when I realized I needed to start believing. There was no incident or "come to Jesus" event. It was a casual evolution.
In a way, my daughter brought me closer to God. Thank God for her.
The Invitation
A funny thing happened after I became a mom. I began reaching out to other moms. I began feeling relief in the company of other moms. Other mom's just "get" it. I'm a mom, I'm one of them and they understand me (and all my motherly flaws!). As I began reaching out to other moms I started to notice an interesting common thread. Most of the mothers I talked to/sought council from kept mentioning faith.
"Lord knows what's in store for my family, but we're taking it one day at a time," one Mother said.
"Everything happens for a reason. Only God knows what it is," said another.
"I pray everyday for my children and my husband. I can't control their lives and praying helps me feel better about it."
"I don't know how I get through each day," said a mother of FIVE! "I just have faith and do the best I can".
Needless to say this realization piqued my curiosity. The more I started practicing my faith the more relaxed and less anxious I became. The more I talked about giving it up and giving it to God the more useful I felt. Over the last couple months I looked into bible studies at local churches. Nothing seemed to fit into my schedule. I'm not even sure why I sought out bible studies exactly; I'd never done one before. I didn't know what to expect, but it was the road down which I was compelled.
Ashley became my guinea pig. I bravely emailed her asking if she'd like to embark on a self-led bible study I had been considering. I'm sure her reaction was similar to Mom's, but her email reply showed no hint of surprise. Thanks Ashie!
So with that extremely long-winded story, I humbly and whole-heartedly look forward to this new world of faith: living it and loving it.
Finding my Faith
It should come as no surprise that I am not a religious person. A spiritual person, yes. But, religious, no. We'll get into more detail about that later. I haven't been in a church (other than for weddings) for over 5 years now. I don't regularly pray and I don't own a bible. Therefore, Mom's response is warranted, agreed?
Interestingly enough, I've been fascinated by religion for nearly 10 years now. I even took a world religions class in college. Even after college I continued to learn about the world religions by checking out books from the library as well as discussing them at length with my former boss and mentor, Andrea. It was Andrea who opened my eyes to the idea of "spirituality" vs. religion.
From my studies of the world religions this much I know is true: they are more similiar than they are different. They all believe in higher powers, afterlives, rules/commandments for living, prophets and rituals. I found that I agreed with some beliefs from many different religions. Which made finding and following just one religion extremely difficult. In my frustration to figure out who I was and what I believed, I decided to label myself as "spiritual" rather than religious. I know what I believe in terms of an afterlife and commandments for living as well as who/what God is. But I couldn't find an exact religion to support it.
Long story everlasting, I try to live my faith in my everyday actions (like saying please and thank you and helping old ladies pull carts from the cart corral at Kroger) and thoughts (like focusing on the positive rather than the negative and saying "Wow, God!" instead of "Why, God?!"). In the wise words of one country song, "That's my story and I'm stickin' to it".
Closer to God (no cliche intended)
For 29 1/2 years I skated through life not needing to really rely on my (still undefined) faith. Sure, I had beliefs and all but I never really needed them. I was doing just fine solving my own life problems and handling my own self-imposed issues, thankyouverymuch.
And then the miracle of my daughter's birth happened.
And the subsequent fog of post-partum depression and anxiety (PPDA) came over me.
And I knew I needed help. Big time.
In my true, analytical-minded fashion I figured a quick Google search about overcoming PPDA would bring up an informative article from a reputable organization and give me all the answers. Not to mention a series of easy to follow steps on how to feel better. In a matter of a couple minutes I'd beat "this thing" and my fog would be lifted, I was sure of it.
Except that it wasn't that easy. There were no series of steps on how to overcome my range of uncharacteristicly unpositive emotions. There were medications. There were therapy options. All helpful options, of course. But not options that hit the mark for me. What was I supposed to do?
I kept a "frustration" journal that I began at what I now consider the height of my PPDA - New Year's Eve 2012. I wrote down all my negative and sad thoughts. It was a great outlet for me. It was a harmless, uncensored way for me to let it all out. I hate to admit that I wrote in it often.
Reaching out to others and talking about my emotions/feelings was supremely helpful to me. In fact, several of you received a call from me on New Year's Eve. Think back, you may remember. Hell must have frozen over because it's extremely unlike me to reach out for help. Especially for something like emotional stability...ha!
Sorry to lead you up to this point and not have a monumental dramatic climax to my story. But, going through my ordeal made me realize that I can't do it all myself. I can't be the perfect mother, wife, daughter, employee, friend, granddaughter, sister, sister-in-law, etc. I tried. I wanted to be. I wanted to have it all together and not need any help or admit that I can't do it. The truth is, I need faith and I need it now more than ever. Believing in something bigger than myself was my first step in overcoming PPDA. Giving it up and giving it to God was my saving grace. There was no "a-ha" moment when I realized I needed to start believing. There was no incident or "come to Jesus" event. It was a casual evolution.
In a way, my daughter brought me closer to God. Thank God for her.
The Invitation
A funny thing happened after I became a mom. I began reaching out to other moms. I began feeling relief in the company of other moms. Other mom's just "get" it. I'm a mom, I'm one of them and they understand me (and all my motherly flaws!). As I began reaching out to other moms I started to notice an interesting common thread. Most of the mothers I talked to/sought council from kept mentioning faith.
"Lord knows what's in store for my family, but we're taking it one day at a time," one Mother said.
"Everything happens for a reason. Only God knows what it is," said another.
"I pray everyday for my children and my husband. I can't control their lives and praying helps me feel better about it."
"I don't know how I get through each day," said a mother of FIVE! "I just have faith and do the best I can".
Needless to say this realization piqued my curiosity. The more I started practicing my faith the more relaxed and less anxious I became. The more I talked about giving it up and giving it to God the more useful I felt. Over the last couple months I looked into bible studies at local churches. Nothing seemed to fit into my schedule. I'm not even sure why I sought out bible studies exactly; I'd never done one before. I didn't know what to expect, but it was the road down which I was compelled.
Ashley became my guinea pig. I bravely emailed her asking if she'd like to embark on a self-led bible study I had been considering. I'm sure her reaction was similar to Mom's, but her email reply showed no hint of surprise. Thanks Ashie!
So with that extremely long-winded story, I humbly and whole-heartedly look forward to this new world of faith: living it and loving it.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
A New Journey
Wow! A Bible study with my favorite women! I pray this study will help us all develop and mature in our Christian walk. I'll be ordering materials soon so we will be ready for October! Looking forward to us learning together.
What's in a name?
A Brief Message
You've come to this blog because you have been invited to join our small group, self-directed bible study. Congratulations and welcome! Our bible study selection is Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst. Feel free to purchase the book and DVD's so you can follow along. Hopefully, you'll be able to relate to and benefit from this group.
What's in a name?
This Side of Faith.
What does that mean? Good question. To be honest that was the very first phrase that entered my mind when I got the idea to start a blog for the group. What should I call it? Nothing corny, of course. Nothing too short or too long. How about This Side of Faith? Lo and behold it was actually available for use...divine intervention!
To me, it means the imperfect side of living my faith on a daily basis. I'm certainly NOT a perfect example of a woman who lives her faith everyday. Everyday I struggle to be the best version of myself mind, body and spirit. It takes work and it takes a village (can I get an Amen?!). But I'd really like to be better. Perfect? Probably never going to happen {insert sound of bubble bursting}, but I'm willing to get as close to perfect as possible.
So, if you are interested in diving into this bible study, sharing your thoughts and encouraging one another along the way, by all means pull up a chair (or a laptop or iPad) and join in the fun!
"Adventure is not outside man; it is within" - David Grayson
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
You've come to this blog because you have been invited to join our small group, self-directed bible study. Congratulations and welcome! Our bible study selection is Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst. Feel free to purchase the book and DVD's so you can follow along. Hopefully, you'll be able to relate to and benefit from this group.
What's in a name?
This Side of Faith.
What does that mean? Good question. To be honest that was the very first phrase that entered my mind when I got the idea to start a blog for the group. What should I call it? Nothing corny, of course. Nothing too short or too long. How about This Side of Faith? Lo and behold it was actually available for use...divine intervention!
To me, it means the imperfect side of living my faith on a daily basis. I'm certainly NOT a perfect example of a woman who lives her faith everyday. Everyday I struggle to be the best version of myself mind, body and spirit. It takes work and it takes a village (can I get an Amen?!). But I'd really like to be better. Perfect? Probably never going to happen {insert sound of bubble bursting}, but I'm willing to get as close to perfect as possible.
So, if you are interested in diving into this bible study, sharing your thoughts and encouraging one another along the way, by all means pull up a chair (or a laptop or iPad) and join in the fun!
"Adventure is not outside man; it is within" - David Grayson
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
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