Ladies let me give you a tip: the spiritual life is one glorious ride! God has been revealing himself practically everywhere I turn! I cannot give words to convey how my soul is feeling. I have seen God take a child home; yet there is joy in the family left behind. I have seen God work a miracle in a young woman's life following a traumatic brain injury. I have seen God restore in full my marriage. In addition to these instances God has been revealing himself personally to me not only during my time in his word but also in the mundane duties of the day. There are many more examples I could list but will save for another time.
Now for the next tip: when you're on the mountain top - get ready to find yourself in the valley! Let me explain. In the past week here are three things that have happened:
1) We found out that all of the money Kevin had been having deducted from his pay toward his retirement had never been deposited to his account! After making several phone calls, emails and faxes; it was discovered that his money had in fact never been put into his account (or anyone else's for that matter)! An error had been made by his company and within hours the error was corrected and the money put in. The only way we knew about it was from receiving his quarterly statement and seeing that nothing was in it! Talk about coming UNGLUED! Wow! I managed but honestly, I just barely managed. The lessons I learned were that grace needs to be extended from me to others, just as God has extended grace to me. Forgiveness for the one who made the mistake and trust that it won't happen again. My descent from the spiritual mountain began....
2) Jensen had a relapse which brought me to my "sacred place" in my home praying to God to give the doctors wisdom and for calmness of spirit to her mommy and daddy. Lesson learned is that even in the times in life that are scary, I KNOW that God is there in the midst of the trouble and I can TRUST him in all things. Further down the mountain side I go.....
3) Monday I learned that our lawsuit is indeed going to trial! This was NOT what I had been praying for at all! In fact, just the opposite! I now find myself in the valley. No, I am not alone. No I am not depressed. Yes, I am a bit anxious. I am learning to pray for the people who have brought the lawsuit against us and I am asking that God work out his purpose in all this according to his promise that all things work for the good to those who love him. He has not yet revealed what that may be unless it is a major dose of patience and trust.
The largest lesson I have learned recently is that God is not a Genie in a Bottle to be rubbed and granting us our wishes. He is sovereign. He is holy. We are to worship him and give him praise IN EVERY circumstance we find ourselves. We are not breathing because we make ourselves breath - we breath because he allows it. He doesn't work for us - we are to serve him.
The practical life lesson here is when you find yourself discouraged by your circumstances you can lift yourself up by taking the focus off of yourself (or the situation) and focusing on God and praying for and encouraging others. Believe me, I did that this past week.....and ladies, it works.
Thus, this lesson we are studying is finding its mark right in the middle of my heart. Very practical lessons for a very practical life.
I find myself looking for God in every little thing these days. I find myself ready to listen, watch and see if there is something he wants me to do. I am growing. I am experiencing the joy found on the mountain top even in the valley I now find myself. I choose to give God the glory, honor and praise he so definitely and rightly deserves!
Have a good week everyone.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Rant and Rave
Ok y'all. I promise I am not emotionally charged writing this blog post. I am neither tired nor upset. I am not angry or apathetic. I simply want to rant about a few things on my mind right now. Humor me.
- There is a gnat flying around my iPad and it has a knack for flying directly in my face.
- Normally, I practice catch-and-release when dealing with spiders in my house but lately I've just been killing the hideous things.
- The cats can be loving and quiet the entire evening but the minute I put Jensen to bed they "come alive" complete with fighting, hissing and banging the venetian blinds in the kitchen.
- I didn't drink my fountain diet Pepsi fast enough and now I'm left with watered down pop.
- My hair has been extremely staticky lately. Extremely.
- Recently, Jensen's teachers at school told me that "she's certainly going to be an independent girl". I smiled but deep down I'm slightly scared of that.
- I keep forgetting to change the razor blade on my razor in the shower.
- Even though they recently revamped their breakfast food selections, I'm still not happy with the offerings at Starbucks.
- Kim Kardashian is engaged to be married for a THIRD time. The woman is only 33 years old. Am I the only one concerned by this??
- I'm scared that I'm becoming a mother who coordinates the family's clothes for family pictures.
There, I got it out. Whew! Sometimes if helps just to write it down and forget about it. I've always noticed this about writing. For me, it's always been my tried and true emotional outlet. That and crying but that's a whole other show. Ha! Now for my raves.
- I am currently listening to Christmas music and have been for over a week now.
- The crisp, cool days are exactly what I ordered.
- I am currently intrigued by the idea of reading the bible in a year.
- Jensen started giving me open mouth kisses with reckless abandon tonight. Best. kisses. ever!
- I've started getting up at 5am instead of 5:20am and am amazed how much more I can get done in those 20 minutes.
- Cardigans are still popular this year. Wahoo! My shopping spree last year will pay off again this year!
- Is it me, or is the Pumpkin Spice Latte from McDonald's just as good at the more expensive Starbucks version?!
- To say I am enjoying the emotional stability that faith brings is an understatement.
Psalm 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
The Gift of Grace
Emotions were raw at my household this morning! Both Kevin and I were due at my work for wellness screenings. This was a good thing. However having to get myself up and around (without being able to have my morning coffee) was difficult. I NEED my coffee! Then having to wake him and have him get around without his coffee too was about more than I could bear! I could feel my blood pressure rising as we were getting ready to leave. How could this be? I couldn't have my BP rising NOW! As I was driving ahead of him in my car I thought he would call my cell so we could talk on the way. After all, we aren't up at the same time in the mornings so this was special. I waited and waited he didn't call! Why not?! So at the 4 way stop at Garrett I looked at my phone. IT WAS TURNED OFF! Crap! I turned it on and sure enough he had tried calling twice and texted me once! Oh did I feel bad! I called him right away and we had a very nice conversation the rest of the way to work.
I kept asking myself how could it be that I just worked in the Unglued workbook the night before and struggled the very next morning with keeping from coming unglued!
By the time we arrived I was able to decide to be on God's side and ask Kevin for forgiveness for my words spoken earlier. Yes, guilt is a gift. I agree, Kasie! From the guilt came corrective action - namely asking for forgiveness from him and also forgiving myself. My BP registered a healthy 110/68 and the rest of the day held tender texts between he and I. By God's grace through guilt came restoration.
I'm finding when I'm in the tense moments is when I need to take the focus off myself and put the focus on God. I have to remember he extended grace to me when I didn't deserve it. I have to remember to extend grace to others and myself. The more I focus on God the more stable I become. I calm down. My perspective becomes clear. When I give God the raw emotion not only does he hold me still physically, he also holds my lips still. I am realizing that change in my life is happening as a result of being grateful to God for extending his grace to me. He is my focus and my challenge is to keep him my focus.
My daughter has surprised me so very much in the last year and a half! God has richly blessed me through her. I have prayed for her earnestly this past year. She is growing in the faith. She is growing as a mother. I am so proud of her! I thank God for her and am so pleased we are on this journey together.
I hear this on the radio the other day:
Prayer is us talking to God. Reading the Bible is God talking to us.
May we all have good conversation with Him as we study His word!
I kept asking myself how could it be that I just worked in the Unglued workbook the night before and struggled the very next morning with keeping from coming unglued!
By the time we arrived I was able to decide to be on God's side and ask Kevin for forgiveness for my words spoken earlier. Yes, guilt is a gift. I agree, Kasie! From the guilt came corrective action - namely asking for forgiveness from him and also forgiving myself. My BP registered a healthy 110/68 and the rest of the day held tender texts between he and I. By God's grace through guilt came restoration.
I'm finding when I'm in the tense moments is when I need to take the focus off myself and put the focus on God. I have to remember he extended grace to me when I didn't deserve it. I have to remember to extend grace to others and myself. The more I focus on God the more stable I become. I calm down. My perspective becomes clear. When I give God the raw emotion not only does he hold me still physically, he also holds my lips still. I am realizing that change in my life is happening as a result of being grateful to God for extending his grace to me. He is my focus and my challenge is to keep him my focus.
My daughter has surprised me so very much in the last year and a half! God has richly blessed me through her. I have prayed for her earnestly this past year. She is growing in the faith. She is growing as a mother. I am so proud of her! I thank God for her and am so pleased we are on this journey together.
I hear this on the radio the other day:
Prayer is us talking to God. Reading the Bible is God talking to us.
May we all have good conversation with Him as we study His word!
Monday, October 7, 2013
The Gift of Guilt
Yes, you read that correctly and no, I am not crazy. Well, perhaps that depends on who you ask.
Allow me to fill you on on why I think guilt is actually good for us.
It all began at 5:15 this morning when I was awakened by a screaming baby. A baby who despite rocking and cuddling and giving a pacifier would not settle down for anything, much less go back to sleep. When my attempts to try and soothe said child failed miserably, I matter-of-factly said to her (in a language she has yet to understand), "Okay, I guess we're up for the day".
This is not how my insanely structured, borderline OCD ritualistic mornings go. I am supposed to wake my child up at 6:30am after I have gotten myself around, cleaned the litter box or emptied the dishwasher (I alternate which day I do each chore, thankyouverymuch), gotten her breakfast around, started the coffee and placed her food bag in her diaper bag. I am supposed to be greeted by the best thing in the world at 6:30am - a smiling, happy, miniature version of me standing up in her crib reaching for me saying, "da da". Everything is "da da" to her so I am not worried...yet.
Needless to say, as I was situating my frustrated, tired baby in my bathroom so I could continue on getting ready for work my emotions started to get the best of me. Anger started building up. Frustration reared it's ugly head. As I was in the shower lathering, rinsing and (not) repeating, Jensen's cries got louder and louder in my head. Then she began the poor hyperventilating cry and I just about had it. I didn't enjoy my shower, I don't even remember if I used soap and I certainly hope I brushed my teeth in all my haste. This was not the way my morning was supposed to go and I couldn't help but blame my child. Would you believe that at one point I actually said to her, "Jensen, enough already?!" If she could speak she would have probably said the same thing to me, "Mom, relax already!"
So, the morning was ridiculously stressful and upsetting to me. I was mad at Jensen and angry that it didn't go as I had planned. After dropping the girl off at school and heading to work it hit me. The guilt. The guilt I felt for blaming my baby for not getting my way. The guilt I felt for not being sympathetic to her needs (hello, first-time mom, could she have been in pain? hungry? missing me?). The guilt I felt for not taking in everything motherhood has to offer-the good and the not-so-good. Pure, plain, to the core guilt.
Surprisingly enough, I did not cry once I got to work. I was thisclose to crying but no dice. At the end of the day I picked Jensen up and loved on her something fierce. We had one of the best nights together including a very fun and splashy bathtime. After I put her to bed I realized that guilt can be good, after all. What if I hadn't felt bad for directing my anger at my daughter? What if I still carried that anger with me all day and all night? What if I let it fester and breed more anger? Thank God guilt hit me and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with her. Praise The Lord I was able to show her the affection she really needed. I'm so lucky I could make amens with myself and redeem myself and end the day without any raw emotions taking my energy.
I realize how much I learned this morning. How far I can evolve in just one day. If, through God, I'm capable of understanding how guilt can be good, what more am I capable of? Just how far can I evolve in faith, how wise can I become in this life? More importantly, what example can I set for my daughter and will it be good enough for her to be proud of me?
Allow me to fill you on on why I think guilt is actually good for us.
It all began at 5:15 this morning when I was awakened by a screaming baby. A baby who despite rocking and cuddling and giving a pacifier would not settle down for anything, much less go back to sleep. When my attempts to try and soothe said child failed miserably, I matter-of-factly said to her (in a language she has yet to understand), "Okay, I guess we're up for the day".
This is not how my insanely structured, borderline OCD ritualistic mornings go. I am supposed to wake my child up at 6:30am after I have gotten myself around, cleaned the litter box or emptied the dishwasher (I alternate which day I do each chore, thankyouverymuch), gotten her breakfast around, started the coffee and placed her food bag in her diaper bag. I am supposed to be greeted by the best thing in the world at 6:30am - a smiling, happy, miniature version of me standing up in her crib reaching for me saying, "da da". Everything is "da da" to her so I am not worried...yet.
Needless to say, as I was situating my frustrated, tired baby in my bathroom so I could continue on getting ready for work my emotions started to get the best of me. Anger started building up. Frustration reared it's ugly head. As I was in the shower lathering, rinsing and (not) repeating, Jensen's cries got louder and louder in my head. Then she began the poor hyperventilating cry and I just about had it. I didn't enjoy my shower, I don't even remember if I used soap and I certainly hope I brushed my teeth in all my haste. This was not the way my morning was supposed to go and I couldn't help but blame my child. Would you believe that at one point I actually said to her, "Jensen, enough already?!" If she could speak she would have probably said the same thing to me, "Mom, relax already!"
So, the morning was ridiculously stressful and upsetting to me. I was mad at Jensen and angry that it didn't go as I had planned. After dropping the girl off at school and heading to work it hit me. The guilt. The guilt I felt for blaming my baby for not getting my way. The guilt I felt for not being sympathetic to her needs (hello, first-time mom, could she have been in pain? hungry? missing me?). The guilt I felt for not taking in everything motherhood has to offer-the good and the not-so-good. Pure, plain, to the core guilt.
Surprisingly enough, I did not cry once I got to work. I was thisclose to crying but no dice. At the end of the day I picked Jensen up and loved on her something fierce. We had one of the best nights together including a very fun and splashy bathtime. After I put her to bed I realized that guilt can be good, after all. What if I hadn't felt bad for directing my anger at my daughter? What if I still carried that anger with me all day and all night? What if I let it fester and breed more anger? Thank God guilt hit me and I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with her. Praise The Lord I was able to show her the affection she really needed. I'm so lucky I could make amens with myself and redeem myself and end the day without any raw emotions taking my energy.
I realize how much I learned this morning. How far I can evolve in just one day. If, through God, I'm capable of understanding how guilt can be good, what more am I capable of? Just how far can I evolve in faith, how wise can I become in this life? More importantly, what example can I set for my daughter and will it be good enough for her to be proud of me?
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