Chapter 3

Chapter 3

This is a chapter I read and re-read and made several notes in my notebook.

The negative voices in my head began in my early childhood. It amazes me how much I have been influenced over the years by that voice. The good that came from that experience is I think it helped me to become a better parent than perhaps I would have been otherwise. And the other is that when an encouraging and loving father figure is absent in a girl’s life it forces her to find that love and worth somewhere else. In my case God became important to me early on in my life.

At times I still hear that voice from long ago along with a few other voices – mainly my own – and the negatives come rushing back to take over.

I can look back and see how those negative voices influenced my decision making at the time. Let’s just say the results of those decisions weren’t so pleasant or right. 

I have found that affirming who I am in Christ beats those voices down and substantiates my worth. I am a child of God. He is my Father. He loves me. I have been adopted into his family and am his heir. No one or nothing can pluck me from his hand. The “helper” lives in me – the Holy Spirit. I am never alone. I am saved. I do not fear death. I have been given holy armor – a belt of truth, a breastplate of righteousness, a shield of faith, a helmet of salvation, shoes to swiftly and peacefully proclaim the gospel and the sword of the spirit (which is the word of God). I am saved.

Using the above as a filter has greatly influenced most everything I do including making decisions. Do I still make mistakes – absolutely! Do I love myself more – absolutely.

Something else I’ve been understanding more of is that when I am in the “valley of life” that that’s where all the “molding” takes place. It’s in the valley that the renovations take place in my soul. The mountain top is where I rise to from the valley to thank God for the adjustments he has made in me. The mountain top is a place for giving praise and the valley is God’s workshop.

"Be very careful never to forget what you have seen the Lord do for you. Do not let these things escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and your grandchildren."  Deuteronomy 4:9

When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light. -Oswald Chambers from My Utmost for His Highest

Chapter 3 - The Voices in Our Heads

This will sound very smug, but while I have many voices orating in my head, none of them are so negative that they hinder me from doing something I want to do.  Unless you look back to my last entry where I discuss my desire to write a book but never feeling I'm good enough to do so.  Aside from that one (which I'm working on, by the way) I really feel okay and at peace and content with my self and my abilities (or lack thereof.  Who said that?!) and I'm fine with that.

I really have no profound wisdom for myself or anyone regarding this issue. 

Because I know that's what you are expecting.  Profound wisdom.  From me.  Bwahaha!

Instead, let's take a look at how my over-inflated ego and propensity to listen to the voices in my head who suffer from delusions of grandeur have effected my decision making over the years:

In no particular order, here are some goals I set for myself that, um, let's just say, didn't work out...

• Become an animal rights activist (although I did create a pretty cool club called The Animal's Choice when I was like 8 and made all my friends join)
• Become a fitness model (this didn't happen.  Gee, I'm not sure why.  Where is the other half of that donut I started this morning....)
• Move to NYC (actually it's probably safer this hasn't happened considering I'm a little uncomfortable and kinda paranoid when I walk through the Fort Wayne mall on a Saturday afternoon.  Where do all those people come from?!)
• Never have children (HA!  The Lord works in mysterious ways my friend!  This was divine intervention as it's best.  God clearly knew Jensen needed to be in this world and although I think he was a bit under the weather/loopy from cold medicine when he chose Jon and I to be her parents, I'm forever grateful he did.)
• Never carry a purse (y'all, I have no idea where these voices come from!  I'm only an innocent bystander to the scenarios that play out in my head.  I have no idea why purses were the devil when I was what, oh 10 years old?!  I'm just so glad that Vera Bradley and I have become friends.)

At any rate, for anyone struggling with negative self-talk that is hindering accomplishment of realistic life goals, I have this to say:

Chapter 2 Epiphany

Last night after I tucked the girl in bed I put another log on the fire and curled up in a chair to re-read Chapter 2 of Own Your Life. 

I say re-read it because I originally read it 2 weeks ago but have long since forgotten what I read.  My memory is terrible, really, ask mom.  I'm beginning to wonder if all those childhood migraines have effected my brain in lasting ways but then I realize I can recite nearly every line of the beloved song Step by Step by New Kids on the Block which came out in, oh the 90's.  So, I guess I'm fine.

At any rate, with an open mind I whizzed through Chapter 2 only to become a little concerned as I neared the end of it because I just wasn't finding my "a-ha moment" in the chapter.  I was becoming a little anxious kinda like I do when I scavenge the display of cardigans at Target hoping to find the perfect pink one in my size.  Clearly you ladies know what I'm talking about.

Luckily, with only a few pages remaining I spotted my source of insight:

"We are made to accomplish great feats of faith and courage and to live a life worth telling"

And while there are many nuggets of inspiration in just this one line, without a doubt the word/phrase that made my monkey mind calm down was:  "courage" and "live a life worth telling".

Y'all it was as if the good Lord himself was standing right behind me peering over my shoulder as I read (and re-read) that line and said "Uh huh, that's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!"  followed by "Can you hear me now?!"

I would be remiss to not completely open myself up and lay it all out there to you ladies.  After all, that's exactly why we are reading this book and sharing our experiences and encouraging ourselves to Own Our Lives.  So in the interest of full disclosure (and to appease the all-knowing fella standing behind me last night) I'm going to courageously and humbly and fearfully admit that for years I have longed to write a book.

For years I scribbled out book ideas, infrequently attended writing groups, performed writing exercises and haphazardly jotted down journal entries.  It was all very elementary and inconsistent.  I was never confident about the genre or the subject or the caliber of my writing.

But last night's ephiphany opened my eyes and made me realize that all I need is the courage to write about my life.  I don't need a grandiose, extremely eventful or traumatic life in order to write about it.  I mean, look at the Kardashians...no one knows what they have done to become famous...not that I want to be famous, I'm just sayin'.  Perhaps the story I am to tell is a very normal one that anyone can relate to.  I mean, for crying out loud if Madonna can write a children's book there is certainly room for my words at the literary table somewhere.  It's true, she did write a children't book called The English Rose.  Go figure.

Allow me to wrap up this stream of consciousness rambling by thanking you ladies for actually reading this whole entry and if you play your cards right I'll give you a free advanced copy of my upcoming book.  "Upcoming" as in, "may never actually be in print but it was a good goal anyway".  Ah, the Lord works in mysterious ways...

Own Your Life

I am not surprised that when I contemplated the questions at the end of chapter 2 I found out I am the voice that hinders myself. It's true. I am my own worst enemy!

At this point in life I am not actively parenting young children. So each day I think about what I am going to do. If not kept in balance the "I" becomes the most important thing in my day. It is impossible to serve two masters. Each day when I get up I recite Matthew 6:33 to keep my focus on Him. "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you."

This verse ties in well with the book. Sally is telling us we need to take responsibility for our lives and ultimately our walk with God. The first word in the verse is a verb. An action word of something we must do. We must seek. We must FIRST seek the kingdom of God. So now my focus is in alignment with God. It's on Him and not me. The context of the verse is Jesus telling us not to be anxious about food and clothing. The verse tells us if we search after God He will take care of us.

The challenge each day is to keep God the center of my attention instead of myself. I am not my own. God made me and I am here for his purposes. Not the other way around. I pray to him not for him to do my bidding but for me to learn how to do his bidding.

It's so easy to get caught up in all the things I want to do and get done that I "forget he's around". I need to remind myself often he's right here with me all the time. He knows and cares what's going on in my life.

Psalm 139 says:

O Lord you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand on me.

So i am hoping to focus on God and humble myself to allow him to use me for whatever purpose he has planned for each day. And as the days go by they will bring me closer to understanding his love.

Finding Purpose at Each Juncture

The first chapter of Own Your Life is entitled Seeing Beauty and Purpose in Your Ordinary Days.  At the end of the chapter the author, Sally Clarkson, offers some study questions to aid in further introspection.  Question #2 goes something like this:

"Learning to see each turn in the road and each unique circumstance as a part of what God has ordained has helped me find purpose at each juncture.  I ask Him 'Lord, what can I learn from this?  What message at this moment might prepare me to encourage someone in the same circumstances later?  Show me Your faithfulness now so I can keep learning'".

I find it fitting that her questions are impressed upon me at this time in my life because every single day I find myself saying internally and out loud that same phrase, "What can I learn from this"?  Some of my other popular phrases include, "This too shall pass", "The days are long but the years are short" and my personal favorite especially during tantrums (my daughters, not my own) "Serenity now!"

So far, I have learned tons of things in my 32 (soon to be 33, but who's counting) years of life which include but aren't limited to the following:

• Faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse
• Time is the wisest counselor
• Marriage means commitment; of course, so does insanity
• Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out
• Get in the Starbucks line before 7:30am to ensure a better day
• Nothing is as bad as it seems
• There are three types of pain; pain, excruciating pain, and stepping on a Lego

But perhaps her second question is the one that shed the most light and made me realize the burden of learning:  "What message at this moment might prepare me to encourage someone in the same circumstances later?"

Well, I never thought about it like that before.  Selfish me just learns the lesson of life, becomes more humble/humilitated (what's the difference), pats herself on the back and continues on feeling she's full of new wisdom.  Now, I have the added pressure of encouraging someone in the same circumstances later?  So, not only do I have to learn the lessons myself but now I have to pass the wisdom on to others in need?!  Well, if that doesn't define purpose then I don't know what does.

Needless to say, that question was a bit of a wake-up call for me.  The author doesn't talk about finding meaning at each juncture, which, I've learned is really what I've been doing.  Which is fine and all, but owning your life and showing MY faithfulness requires turning my lessons into purpose by encouraging others who are walking the road I've been down.

Challenge accepted.  :)

So I'll start with this tidbit:  Make sure to perform a visual and tactile sweep of the floor for any stray Legos....